The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
