Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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