I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
