You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
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