Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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