I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
