Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
i came on her dog
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
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