This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
