I bet he comes in French.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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