did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Someone came in the potted fern
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Randomize
