Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
