somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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