My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...