I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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