if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
