You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
