My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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