wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I wish you could order shots online.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
