Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
