I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Randomize
