I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
