Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
So I just went to clothing optional bar
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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