I'm lost and stupid without you.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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