You're so nebulous sometimes
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
