There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
