Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
