I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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