Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I stole a fireplace last night.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
