Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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