Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
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