Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
