You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Randomize
