I wish I could teleport
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Randomize
