morning after pill = breakfast in bed
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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