I think I just saw someone hide a body.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
