we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
where does the pee come out of this thing
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
