if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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