I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Randomize
