I am puke
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Randomize
