Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
