me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Randomize
