im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
We left an ass print on the piano.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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