My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
