It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
