he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Randomize
