HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
