what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
