When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
