Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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