and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
