Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I'm experimenting with sincerity
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
