she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
