I think I won the penis lottery.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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