it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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