I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
