Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
