She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
